That title sounds a little bleak. But truth be told so are the times. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on to update this thing because life has been at best, a shitshow. We have had some awesome moments don’t get me wrong but what I want to actually write about is this quarantine BS.
When I got the news that basically the world was shutting down for two weeks I was a bit shocked. I mean part of my brain was thinking “Is this it? Is this the start of the zombie apocalypse? Are we prepared enough? Do we have enough tp? Is the world gonna actually stop for 2 weeks? I can do anything for 2 weeks.. It goes back to normal AFTER 2 weeks, RIGHT?”
2 weeks is what I was prepared for. Those weeks were hectic but we did ok! School was a little rough to get into a routine but we did it. Then we had the earthquake on day 3 and I have never felt more unprepared and thrown off my axis before in my life. To look into Greg’s eyes as it was happening and watch the emotions playing out on his face that were mirroring my own was an experience that is seared into my brain. Even after that we kept plugging along. We got into a new routine of all of us being around each other 24/7 and we were adjusting.
Then week 3 hit and the wheels fell off the bus. Actually, truth be told the wheels feel off the bus, got stripped for parts and set on fire. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this wasn’t changing anytime soon and I was adrift in despair. That is the best way to describe the feeling. I was emotionally exhausted. I cried all the time, tears were just always at the edge of my eyelids waiting to spill over and let my feelings run down my cheeks. I didn’t want to get dressed, or eat, or do home school, or be a parent. The thought of preparing food and serving it took so much energy that I was exhausted before I even began cooking. The kids would ask me constantly what we had planned for the day to which I would reply ” Nothing. We have nothing to do and all damn day to do it.” They eventually stopped asking. By the time we hit the weekend I knew I was in a bad place mentally and needed to reset.
Greg has been working from home since the beginning but the major difference was the first week he was in the house with us and could be kinda helpful and a buffer. After that first week he moved out to our shop so that he wouldn’t be interrupted on calls as much and we wouldn’t all have to be quiet every time his phone rang, which is approximately every 2 minutes during business hours. This was fine until our internet just wasn’t quite as strong as it needed to be support his mission control center he had set up. After many phone calls to me in which he asked “what’s wrong with the damn internet” like i’m some kind of IT genius he finally moved back inside and holed up in our room. I still get phone calls asking about the “damn internet” occasionally, i’m sure to remind me of better days but for the most part he seems happy locked away in our room. I have noticed one large detriment to having Greg work from home and that is simply that he can’t shut it off. He is working longer hours now than ever before. Which kinda blows my quaran-plans to hell.
See, when this all started I thought, well with Greg home and clearly no where to go we can get SO many projects done around the house. By the end of week 1 I had stuff in the online cart at Lowe’s to finish the master bathroom, plans to clean up the back yard and if we had time to squeeze it in we could re-do the kitchen. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Bless my poor little over achiever heart. The stuff is still in my cart, all that has been done on the backyard was to add a trampoline to it for the kids and we moved one trailer. As for the kitchen? Well the counter tops we painted on 7 years ago are starting to come up in earnest now and I started scratching ” we need new counters” into it. So yeah, our remodel plans are dead in the water at the moment.
One thing that I have learned about myself during this mess is I handle stress and anxiety by throwing myself into a project and not really dealing with the feelings. I make myself so busy accomplishing things that I don’t give myself time to stop, tackle what’s really wrong head on and move forward. While this approach has worked in the past and pushed me to be one of the hardest working individuals I know, it has not been preparing me for times such as these. I mean WHO KNEW?! These last few weeks have been ROUGH. Rougher than that third week by far. I am having to process how I feel in real time with no “Remodeling distractions”. It’s not pretty y’all.. poor Greg is constantly asking how I am, and my answer half the time is ” Hell, I don’t know..” Depression has hit me hard between the eyes. But I am trying my best to see all of this for what it is and to work through it and process it. Burying the problem just won’t cut it anymore. I mean for Pete’s sake this is what I’m going to school for, I can’t very well be a good therapist if I can’t even learn to work through my own issues. It’s funny to me how hard your mind works against you to do everything BUT what needs to be done to feel better.
Moving forward into these next few weeks will be interesting. Greg and I will be celebrating our 14 year anniversary next week. We normally go of town together for a couple days, that would be nice and all but at this point I’d be happy with a date night. We haven’t had one of those in AGES. I mean we could get our crap together and do one after the kids go to bed but most nights he falls asleep watching a show and I just sit in stunned silence, dreading going to bed because I know we gotta get up tomorrow and do it all over again. Is it really that bleak? That’s probably just my mental state talking I mean at the end of the day, we have been lucky. We have each other, plenty of food, water and tp. We aren’t sick *knock on wood*, and Greg thank the good Lord still has a job. I really do try to focus on things to be grateful for but sometimes you just gotta get it off your chest a bit you know?
Today marks 43 days since we last really went out into the world. 43 days. 43. I mean we’ve ventured out for groceries and the occasional errand but 43 days since our old routine. I miss it. I know the kids miss it too. Greg and I explained all of this to them and they have done really well and been pretty darn understanding, but I know we are all so done with all of this. I think the best thing that has come out of all of this is this: I can now make beaded lizards, mermaids and sharks like it’s my part time job, I can make play dough masterpieces like Michelangelo and my painting skills are getting stronger everyday. I’m enjoying taking long walks to the front room where I can sit and watch people like a creeper, sipping my diet coke and listening to my water fountain outside. Life really is fulfilling when you think about it.
Till next time!