Is it supposed to be this hard?

We have been dealing with something over here that hasn’t been easy. It’s not something that I talk about often and I don’t like to bring up. But in the interest of being transparent I will divulge.

Wes and Illa have very strong personalities. ( No clue where they get those from..) They get a long and play well with each other , till they don’t. It all goes up in flames SO fast. Illa does struggle with age appropriate body awareness which makes her prone to emotional outbursts like a 4 yr old. When one thing doesn’t go in her favor she is screaming, yelling, and throwing things. At least at home.

Wes is about the same. He is a great kid until one thing doesn’t go his way. Then the screaming, yelling, name calling and outbursts happen. And unlike Illa , he doesn’t care if we are in public or not. Honestly I dread going to the store with him most of the time. I use Walmarts online ordering like the life line that it is, if y’all aren’t doing that yet GET ON BOARD.

By the end of the day I am emotionally and mentally drained. If I can keep them busy that seems to help a little bit , but I don’t have the time to keep them occupied ALL the time. Chores have to get done at some point around here.

I have of course looked into this. Gone down many a rabbit hole.. It isn’t supposed to be this hard, right?! Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. My biggest issue is that I don’t like them feeling this way. I’ve dealt with anger issues my whole life, I KNOW how it feels to be so consumed with rage all you want to do is throw something and watch it shatter. I don’t want that for my children.

I’ll admit, I feel very helpless somedays, like I’m just going around putting fires out. Moving from one crazy situation to the next. I do my absolute best to fight my rage-y tendencies and meet them in their moments of anger with compassion and calm and help them dial it back down. Some days are better than others. Some days I do great although, it doesn’t seem to help most of the time, but I’m trying. Other days I snap right back at them. I hate when that happens but I have to remind myself that I am only human and that tomorrow is another day to try again.

One thing that I have struggled with is, we worked so hard to start our family and to get them here that I didn’t really focus on what the heck I was supposed to do when it came time to actually raise them. I thought that came naturally. WELL… it doesn’t . Maybe for some but not for me. I’ve read a ton of articles and books trying to pick out the tidbits from all of those that sounded right to me. I want to be fair, and consistent and kind.

I just didn’t factor into this that THEY as tiny humans would have a say in all this as well. . We are constantly trying to find a balance, a way to work with each other that will at the end of the day make them into wonderful adults that aren’t assholes and that are compassionate and kind. That are respectful and hard working. That is my wish. If we have some rough patches getting to that point, well so be it .

We will make it I’m sure, just getting there may kill me.. some days I end the day feeling like I have it all figured out , they go to bed on time, have eaten a good dinner, got their homework done without much complaint and have not tried to kill each other multiple times that day. Other days, lets just say it doesn’t go near as well and I am left feeling defeated and like I am the worst mom in the world at the end of the night. Mommin’ ain’t easy, not by a long shot. But I keep showing up and I love them fiercely because these strong little souls deserve that .

This world is only getting crazier and it is going to need someone with Illa’s strong will and Wesley’s kind heart.

To the mommas out there who are struggling, I got you. Everyday is a challenge, but also a chance to be better and to raise these tiny humans the best way we can. To help them become their best selves. It’s tough, but momma SO ARE YOU!

Till next time

~ Laura