Honesty and a Family Vacation

This last week was spent in Lake Powell with family. A little back story about me and Lake Powell.. we have a checkered past. I’ve only been a few times in my life despite it not being THAT far away. (three hours or so)

When I was a teenager we tried to go as a family and we never even made it to the water. My mother was trying to get to the beach in our suburban and ended up off the hard packed sand and in the soft stuff. Needless to say the suburban sank, people came to help and it took AGES to get it dug back out.

It would be a few years later when I went with Greg’s family. It was a fine time and we all had fun. But the last trip some 10 years ago was what put an end to Lake Powell for me.

When we first arrived at our camp spot on the beach everyone was asleep so we just slept in the boat. That would not have been SO bad if I hadn’t ended up with sand spider all over me. I HATE spiders. The next morning Greg went to launch the boat and took all of our sunscreen with him. I thought he’d be gone 15 minutes. It was an hour and a half. In that hour and a half I seared like a pan fried kipper. I had blisters . My face was a joke. I slept with a towel wet down with lake water to get any relief. I ended up with Greg’s 1000 SPF Pure Zinc sunscreen on my face. I looked like a lobster. I belonged in a bisque.

When that fateful trip came to an end I pulled a Scarlet O’Hara and shook my fist at Lake Powell and loudly proclaimed ” As God as my witness I’ll never come back!” This may sound a little dramatic, but well, I am a bit dramatic sometimes. After getting 4th degree burns on my face , shoulders and tops of the girls I felt a little drama was warranted. Anyway, moving on..

Our family has continued to go to Powell but every time we were invited I would just shudder and say “no thank you!” Greg, my in-laws and the kids finally badgered me enough that I decided to give in and go this summer. I felt I’d done pretty good, avoiding it for 10 years. The problem this trip was I had a new friend to go with me, anxiety.

You see I’ve always had a little anxiety but it quadrupled after our kids got here. We struggled for so long to get our little family that it terrifies me anytime that they are, or could be, or are next to anything remotely dangerous. So being in a boat hauling butt across the water is pretty much my own personal version of hell.

I tried to be a good sport. I really did. Illa and I have this thing where we say a mantra everyday to ourselves. ” I am Strong, I am Brave, I am Smart and I Love myself!” You better believe I was chanting the whole time ” I am Brave, I am Brave, I am Brave” Illa reached over when she heard my mutters and grabbed my hand and said ” Mom, you are SO brave!”

The problem with my anxiety is that it never really goes away. There are times when it’s more quiet and in the background and others when my brain sits and conjures up all of the situations in which things could go wrong. It’s like Final Destination is on repeat in my head. Not fun. I was able to enjoy myself on the boat, when we were going a slower speed. Those times were nice. I would also like to add that Greg is a very competent driver and I have faith in him as an operator, it’s just that ” what if this or that happens” in my brain that makes me ridiculous.

One of the things that gave me heart palpations was cliff jumping. Both kids really wanted to and I was good and said, go for it! They really enjoyed it and it made my mama heart proud to see how brave they both were!

Illa was most happy either on the tube or jumping off the swim deck. She LOVED the tube. I felt better sending her with my brother and sister in law because 1. They are both trained medical professionals and 2. She could have fun being spun around and hitting waves and I didn’t have to watch. It was a win- win situation.

I really enjoyed finding these alcoves with lots of shade to eat lunch in. They are so cool and pretty! Plus it was a nice break from the sun!

The kids loved teasing Grandpa (he loved it to) And we also had story time with Grandma. She tells the best stories and the kids love to listen!

The next day we found a sandy spot and hung out there for a few hours. Wesley played on the beach and also gained a lot of confidence in the water. He could just walk from where he was playing into the water and come to me. The look on his face was pure joy! I loved seeing him blossom!

One of the perks of chillin’ at the beach was every one could nap. We were tired that second day!

Wesley was worn the heck out. He napped for a bit both days!

He is such a character. Every time I point my phone and him and say smile this is what I get LOL

All in all it was a wonderful trip and I’m glad I gave Lake Powell another chance. While my anxiety took up more than its fair share of the trip, I am hoping that by going more and doing more things that push me I’ll be able to simmer the hell down a bit.

I’ll be honest. This post was hard to write. It’s taken me all day because I keep procrastinating, which isn’t like me. It was hard to open up about something that plays such a big part in my life, but I feel it is my duty as the storyteller to tell the whole story. Mom fear/mom guilt is a real thing and it can be crippling. I used to not get it, but I get it now. Boy, do I ever.

Till next time~

Laura